The Misadventures of the Hellsing Organization
by Draconic Vengence
Summary: You don't have to be insane to work here, but it helps. A collection of prompt fics that may very well go on until someone finally manages to actually kill Alucard.
1. 01 Peace

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but whore them out for a pound a week.  
**

01. Peace

Alucard hated it when it was peaceful. It was quiet, and the silence surrounding the Hellsing manor in such times grated against the inside of his skull like it was made of cheese.

When it was peaceful, he went to bother his Master, entertaining a hope that she might provide some comfort from the awful peacefulness.

"Master.. I'm bored."

"Then go do something."

"I am. Do it with me."

"..."

"You know you want to."

"Do what?"

"It."

"Get out!"

Thunk, was the sound of a silver ashtray colliding with Alucard's head.

Alucard hated it when it was peaceful. Integra didn't.

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**Reviews are greatly appreciated, as are ideas for sparkwords and future chapters!**


	2. 02 Drill

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but offer you my sincerest apologies for their misdemeanours.  
**

02. Drill

"Walter, I'm bored."

Walter hated those words. It meant that Hellsing's resident nuscience had made his prescence known, and required some form of entertainment, usually in the form of pestering others until they gave in and occupied his mind with some trivial activity.

"Go see if Sir Integra has anything for you to do."

"She chucked an ashtray at me again."

"Oh dear."

"What are you doing?"

"Putting up shelves, Alucard."

"Let me help."

The vampire propped the shelf up against his head and watched Walter work for a while, before pointing to the electric drill on the floor.

"Are you going to use that?"

"Not for this, no."

"...May I borrow it?"

"..If you bring it back."

The next Walter saw of his drill was it being impaled into the lifeless body of a ghoul.

**Reviews are, as always, welcomed and appreciated. I apologise profusely in advance for the possible OOCness of Alucard in this drabble and offer you my assurances that no drills were harmed in the making of this ficlet. **


	3. 03 Bear

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but offer them a home should the Queen ever decide she's had enough.**

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03. Bear

He first saw it bundled in the arms of the Police Girl.

"...Police Girl, what the hell is that?"

"It's a puppy!" His fledgeling had exclaimed happily, the _thing_ yapping several pitches higher than nails down a blackboard.

"..There is no way that thing is a dog."

"He is!"

"That thing is a rat. In fact, it doesn't even qualify as a rat."

The thing yapped again, and Alucard put a hand to his forehead and sighed.

"He is not a rat! And he has a name!"

"Oh, do enlighten me, Police Girl."

"It's Bear."

Alucard had to hold onto the wall to prevent himself from falling over he was laughing that hard.

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**Reviews greatly appreciated.**


	4. 04 Shooting

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but stick the labels on the boxes.**

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04. Shooting

Alucard enjoyed shooting things. In fact, it could be said that it was one of his favourite things to do. So naturally, when Integra called him to her office about his favourite hobby, he was unconcerned.

"Alucard, it has been brought to my attention that you have a certain obsession with shooting things."

"Yes, Master. It's my job. Unless you'd rather I went around handing out candy floss."

"No, Alucard. A single bullet would suffice but," She passed a photograph to him. On it there was a man peppered with bullet holes so much so that he could be mistaken for a human-shaped piece of swiss cheese, "This is ridiculous."

"I percieved it to be what the job required, Master."

"Required? He had sixty seven bullet wounds!"

"He was like a cockroach, Master."

"Even so, Alucard, you're no stranger to hand-to-hand combat!"

"True.."

"Then why!?"

"...I like shooting things."

It could be said that Alucard enjoyed being shot almost as much as he enjoyed shooting things.

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**Reviews are my crack. Please feed my habit.. At least until I can afford rehab. **


	5. 05 Driver

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but offer a free ramen service on Tuesday evenings at 6pm.**

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05. Driver

Integra had no idea why she'd agreed to this. Walter was perfectly capable of taking a minute out of dealing with the constant badgering of the other Knights to drive her to the Natural History museum to meet with Maxwell (_Bastard.)_ She assumed it would turn out like it did last time, with Seras barely managing to keep Anderson and Alucard apart, or, in other words, a complete and utter shambles.

So she had no idea why she'd agreed to let Alucard drive her to the museum. On one hand, he would be useful to protect her, and offer to defend her honour if Maxwell decided to slander it again with his foul mouth. On the other, that was if she managed to get to the museum in one piece. Or she could settle for alive. With the way her Servant was driving, it would be a miracle if she made it there alive.

Alucard had to have been the most severe case of road rage she had ever seen.

The vampire had _no_ patience whatsoever, and was constantly ducking red lights and speed cameras, she was fairly certain that he was doing at least ninety miles per hour, and he had nearly killed some poor old dear doing her shopping as he ran yet another crossing. When he was stopped, if by traffic, he would beep the horn loudly, and that was if she was lucky.

Usually, he stuck his head out of the window and something unfortunate happened to the car in front.

Next time, she mused, if Walter was unavailable, she would take the train.

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**Reviews are as always appreciated. Please, sir. Spare the doggy some scraps.**


	6. 06 Envy

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but make them comfortable in their final hours.**

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06. Envy

Sometimes, Anderson thought absently, he envied the other humans around him. Sat on a bench in the park, (He'd taken some of the children to play there,) he watched people go by, happily oblivious to the monsters surrounding their homes, their towns and villages. They knew nothing, and they were happy with it. He couldn't imagine people knowing about vampires, there would be a state of global panic, people would lock up their children and there would be no more kids running around with ice-cream smeared across their faces like premature beards.

They didn't have to worry about getting bitten, the chances of that were few and far between. They could fall in love, get married, have children, and die of old age surrounded by family whom loved and cared about them.

Anderson would never die of natural causes.

He assumed he could be killed, with the correct application of force, but his regeneration ability prevented his cells from dying, and ultimately, his body from aging now that he had stopped growing.

He would never fall in love, without the worry of them being attacked. Could never get married, without fearing breaking a bond sacred. Could never have children, and tuck them in at night and tell them honestly that there was no such things as monsters.

Sometimes Anderson envied others. But he told himself to stop being stupid and that someone had to protect them in God's stead.

--

**A little angsty, I guess. C'est la vie.**

Reviews are like happiness personified.


	7. 07 Spoon

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but feed them on a regular basis**

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07. Spoon

Spoons, Pip had said one afternoon, are the perfect utensil. You could keep your knives, with their sharpness and long, thin body. And you could put away your forks, with their pronged heads. Give Pip a spoon, and he would be a happy man. Spoons were definately a feminine utensil. Perfectly curved and smooth, you couldn't cut yourself with a spoon. You couldn't stab your cheek.

Spoons were a gentle utensil. Pip's favourite foods all required the use of a spoon to eat them, too. Ice-cream, for instance. There was nothing more sensual than someone trailing their tongue over the parabolic surface of a spoon, before taking it in their mouth and then licking it clean.

Spoons, Pip said, are indeed the perfect utensil.

That was, until Seras showed him a spork.

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" ..._you couldn't cut yourself with a spoon. " _

A/N: Okay, so that one might well be a lie. My sister managed to cut herself with a spoon. Beyond all logic and reason, but she did.

From here on in, there will be at least one new chapter per day. I really enjoy doing these little drabbles, so I'll update this particular fic once, maybe twice a day. -

**Reviews make me dance for joy.  
**


	8. 08 Hunting

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but pay for cat food.**

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08. Hunting

_Tap tap tap tap_

Her nostrils flared, scenting the target, as she stalked forward silently.

_Tap tap tap tap_

She could smell it from around the corner, the sharp tang, a natural scent, and something slightly different, a little damp.

_Tap tap tap tap_

She knew that she'd catch up some time, and then it would be all over.

_TaptaptaptapPOUNCE_

Gotcha! She wrestled the struggling and howling creature to the ground, pinning the furry little body there.

Kibbles the cat had taken quite some catching, but she'd managed eventually, and now it was time for his bath.

A large gash appeared across her cheek as the cat swiped her violently.

Alucard chuckled darkly. The Police Girl could learn a thing or two about that furry bastard Integra had insisted on keeping around.

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**Introducing Kibbles. Seras' new adopted stray. He doesn't like water, apparently, but cats smell, so he needs a bath.**

Reviews make me a happy panda.


	9. 09 Midday

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but sign their consent forms.**

**Big thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far, love you guys. **

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09. Midday

If there was one thing Alucard hated most of all, it was the sun. It was hot and bright and made people generally cheerful. Assholes. In fact, the only good point Alucard could find about the sun was the fact that if small children stared at it too long, (As small children are apt to do,) they would go blind eventually. It made the air all hot, and quite often permeated even the damp darkness of his home in the basement.

Seras, on the other hand, didn't mind the sun. It made her happy, the way the warmth would seep into her flesh giving her memories of when her blood used to circulate, and her skin would always be warm. Seras had always burnt in the sun, never tanned, but it was a price to pay for something she enjoyed. The sun didn't really affect her that much, with Alucard as her Master, but she did burn a little quicker now.

Pip loved the sun. It made his blood flow and his heart sing. Mainly because when the sun was out, so was the young Draculina, Seras. She was a pretty one. Pip remembered once she had been sunbathing, in very little clothing. Even less than what she usually wore. The sun ripened the grapes that made wine that kept men quiet and happy to comply.

If there was but one thing that linked them, it was the fact that they were all present when Pip, gazing at Seras, had been blinded by the sun and walked straight into a lamp post.

One of the things that set them apart.. Only Alucard had found it funny.

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**Here's today's installment. Reviews are love.**


	10. 10 Confession

**All characters are copyright Kouta Hirano. I do nothing but embarrass them greatly.**

**Here you go guys. +10 reviews, so here's some chapter 10 celebration. Now, I've decided, every 10th chapter will get a pairing drabble. Just let me know which you wanna see.**

**Warning; implied yaoi. Nothing graphic. Not even kissing. But it's there.**

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10. Confession

The warm darkness enveloped him as he sat on the wooden bench, closing the door behind him.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.." He murmured quietly, his head down slightly.

The figure on the other side shuffled slightly, but said nothing.

"I have been having perverse thoughts and dreams of late.." He remembered waking up, covered in sweat, shaking and panting as though he'd run a marathon, scared and confused and feeling very much like a child.

"I've tried everything, Father, but nothing works, the dreams, the thoughts, they won't stop. I can't escape them."

He was afraid to sleep, and Maxwell had snapped at him just this morning for not paying attention and dozing off in his exhaustion. It made him feel dirty and wrong, these dreams, that not even the hottest shower with half an hour scrubbing his skin could cleanse.

"What's worse, Father.. These thoughts are about a man. Even worse, a vampire, who I am sworn to slay."

He sighed gently, touching his forehead, before getting up and leaving.

Alucard chuckled darkly, reclining against the back of the wooden cabinet.

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**There you go. If enough people want it, I'll also post the version with the lemony-flavoured flashbacks. ;)**

Reviews make your God happy.


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